[She opens the door and shoves him inside, lingering back to flick on the light. Inside, there are three easels set up, each with a sheet over the actual painting.]
Middle one's yours.
[When Kanji unsheathes his, he'll uncover an oil painting depicting two birds against a sunset.
While he's occupied, she'll turn her attention to the bag still in her hand, finally paying attention to the contents. She gets as far as the doll before she drops it entirely, lower lip quivering. ]
[He does as he's told, lifting the sheet and letting it drop to the floor behind the easel.]
This is--
[Nobody's done anything like this for him before. Knowing how important art is to Maya, how much she loves it, makes the gift much more personal than it would have been coming from anyone else.]
Maya, this is great, you--
[He turns to face her, only to see that her lip is quivering.]
[He nods, but finds himself at even more of a loss than before. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do, what he can do, and he awkwardly lays a hand against her back to try and offer comfort.]
... yeah. Yeah, I did. Wouldn't have been good enough to give you otherwise.
[And giving a girl a gift on Christmas Eve? He's never done anything like that before. In fact:]
I've, uh-- never given a gift to a girl before. I wasn't sure what would be... good.
[Because she doesn't know how to talk about any of this otherwise. They appreciate one another, and that needs to be how they leave it, because what other words are there even?
She bends down to retrieve the bag she dropped earlier, though one arm cradles the doll against her chest.]
[He's come this far. Might as well spit it out, right? It's been weighing on him since his talk with Snart, trying to figure out exactly why as much as he already liked doing things for his friends, he always felt like he had to put in a little extra effort for Maya.
It was a tough feeling to put words to. He'd felt it before, he was pretty sure, and feeling it here--
It almost felt like it wasn't fair to someone else, but that didn't make it any less true.]
I, uh... what I'm tryin' to say--
[Damn it, why was this so hard? Other people said stuff like this all the time, and it wasn't like he was a wimp or anything.]
Of course they like each other. They're friends, right? Why would anyone have to come out and say something that simple? Kanji can be so weird sometimes.]
I like you too, Kanji.
[Except... It feels like it means more to him than just that. She clears her throat.]
[But now she's fidgeting. Sure, he thinks he likes her. But that's because he doesn't know her well enough. Is there a point of going through the whole production? He can like her fine, but that doesn't mean she's any good at being liked.]
[He doesn't quite get the implications of that. She's just being polite, isn't she? Because it's easier to say that it wouldn't be good for him than to admit she doesn't like him the same way.
He grimaces a little, the answer sobering enough to give his face a chance to cool down.]
Not good for me.
[He sounds uncertain as he echoes her-- and disheartened. He hadn't prepared himself for an answer like that when he'd pushed himself to go out on a limb. Maybe he should have.]
I get it. It's okay, you don't gotta... be gentle.
[He clenches one hand into a fist at his side. He's always been scared shitless of being rejected, but he has to handle it differently this time. He can't let himself get angry and push her away, because she's still his friend. Gotta take it like a man.]
[Of course that's not what the problem is. Isn't it obvious what the problem is? How can anyone think she's even worth the time?]
Are you kidding me? I don't know how to be gentle. Look, I'll tell you how this is gonna go down. You say you like me, I say I like you too, then we start dating and I'm horrible to you and you put up with it because you're a nice guy who won't want to hurt my feelings by breaking up with me even though you're miserable.
It's me. If I like you, I'm just gonna want to punch your stupid beautiful face and I like you too much to see you let me.
So we can't.
[She holds the doll tighter, enough that she imagines the stuffing will probably squirt out soon. Because she's a ruiner. She ruins everything good.]
[He struggles to grasp the meaning of all that. Part of him feels like he can relate, because he'd spent years pushing people away that he would have liked otherwise, even just as friends. It was easier to make them believe he was awful and somebody they shouldn't get close to than to let someone in and give them the chance to hurt him for real.
At least if they ran away because they thought he was a jerk, the sting of it faded pretty quickly over time. When he let people in and they left because of who he actually was? That never got easier, so he'd stopped letting it happen.
He frowns as he tries to apply that same logic to this situation, shaking his head.]
Why d'you think that's how things are gonna go? You've got a choice when it comes to how you treat people.
[And maybe it doesn't feel that way. It never does, when you're scared. It's so much easier to tell yourself that this is just the way things are, pretend you have no control over it.]
I mean, I know I ain't exactly a prize, but if you like someone, what makes you think you're gonna be bad to 'em?
Because that's how it is. You want Maya Hart? That's her. She's just some broken kid who comes from a broken life and couldn't spot a healthy relationship if there was one standing close enough to spit on her.
I don't get to have happy endings, Kanji. I accepted that a long time ago.
[This is no longer just about whether or not she likes him, too. It's bigger than that, because what she's talking about? It applies to a hell of a lot more than just him.]
You don't gotta stand still. Yeah, if you keep tellin' yourself nothin' good is ever gonna happen, then maybe it won't. If you're that sure of it, of course it ain't gonna turn out differently, 'cause you're not gonna let it. But if you already know that's what you do, how you treat people?
[His frown pulls a little deeper, brow furrowed as he reaches out and puts one hand on her shoulder, tentative.]
Knowin' that is the first step to doing something about it. And you don't gotta do it alone. You should know that, bet Riley's told you the same thing. You got friends to help point you in the right direction when you need it. That's what Souji-senpai does for me. Keeps me from breakin' everything I touch.
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Middle one's yours.
[When Kanji unsheathes his, he'll uncover an oil painting depicting two birds against a sunset.
While he's occupied, she'll turn her attention to the bag still in her hand, finally paying attention to the contents. She gets as far as the doll before she drops it entirely, lower lip quivering. ]
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This is--
[Nobody's done anything like this for him before. Knowing how important art is to Maya, how much she loves it, makes the gift much more personal than it would have been coming from anyone else.]
Maya, this is great, you--
[He turns to face her, only to see that her lip is quivering.]
... shit. I messed up, didn't I.
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[She clutches the doll, fingers squeezing its soft exterior.]
It wasn't for someone else?
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[If he'd made it for someone else, it would have had an entirely different theme.]
It's-- it's stupid, isn't it. I shoulda known, you're too tough for dolls, but--
[He huffs, rubbing at the back of his neck.]
I wanted to make you something.
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And she's moving forward to wrap her arms around Kanji's broad shoulders, burying her face in his chest.]
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She was-- hugging him? She seemed upset, like she didn't like it, but now they were hugging?
He fights the urge to bolt, uneasily putting his arms around her middle. That was how this was supposed to work, right?]
Hey, are-- are you okay? I didn't mean t'make you upset...
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it's -- just -- so -- niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice~
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I just-- wanted you to have something that was just yours. An' this is Wonderland, so...
[That's about as much as he needs to explain the theme, probably.]
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[She wails openly, though the sound is muffled in his shirt. She clings to him as tightly as she can manage.
She doesn't thank him, but that might be implied.]
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... yeah. Yeah, I did. Wouldn't have been good enough to give you otherwise.
[And giving a girl a gift on Christmas Eve? He's never done anything like that before. In fact:]
I've, uh-- never given a gift to a girl before. I wasn't sure what would be... good.
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Well. Um.
[She clears her throat.]
You did good.
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Yeah? I'm-- I'm real glad you like it.
[It's a huge relief, honestly.]
There's other stuff in there, too. Cookies, and some chocolate. I dunno what Christmas is like where you're from, but back home, we--
[Okay. Here goes.]
We just give gifts to the people who are really special to us. So I wanted to do that here.
[He's never been able to come out and plainly tell someone that he likes them.]
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I tried to start something when we were stuck around all that lava, but it didn't stay with me when the event was over.
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[The words slip out before he really has a chance to think about them, but that doesn't make them any less true.]
Nobody's ever done somethin' like that for me before, and-- I know how much you love painting. It means... it really means a lot.
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[Because she doesn't know how to talk about any of this otherwise. They appreciate one another, and that needs to be how they leave it, because what other words are there even?
She bends down to retrieve the bag she dropped earlier, though one arm cradles the doll against her chest.]
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[He's come this far. Might as well spit it out, right? It's been weighing on him since his talk with Snart, trying to figure out exactly why as much as he already liked doing things for his friends, he always felt like he had to put in a little extra effort for Maya.
It was a tough feeling to put words to. He'd felt it before, he was pretty sure, and feeling it here--
It almost felt like it wasn't fair to someone else, but that didn't make it any less true.]
I, uh... what I'm tryin' to say--
[Damn it, why was this so hard? Other people said stuff like this all the time, and it wasn't like he was a wimp or anything.]
I really, uh. I really like you.
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Of course they like each other. They're friends, right? Why would anyone have to come out and say something that simple? Kanji can be so weird sometimes.]
I like you too, Kanji.
[Except... It feels like it means more to him than just that. She clears her throat.]
Oh -- you mean you like...
Oh.
[Her face feels hot all of a sudden.]
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Y-yeah.
[She gets it. That's good-- he doesn't know if he could fumble his way through an explanation if she'd needed more than that.]
I ain't good at this kinda thing, but when you care about someone, you're s'posed to tell 'em, right?
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[But now she's fidgeting. Sure, he thinks he likes her. But that's because he doesn't know her well enough. Is there a point of going through the whole production? He can like her fine, but that doesn't mean she's any good at being liked.]
You shouldn't, though. I'm not --
It won't be good for you.
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He grimaces a little, the answer sobering enough to give his face a chance to cool down.]
Not good for me.
[He sounds uncertain as he echoes her-- and disheartened. He hadn't prepared himself for an answer like that when he'd pushed himself to go out on a limb. Maybe he should have.]
I get it. It's okay, you don't gotta... be gentle.
[He clenches one hand into a fist at his side. He's always been scared shitless of being rejected, but he has to handle it differently this time. He can't let himself get angry and push her away, because she's still his friend. Gotta take it like a man.]
It's okay if-- you don't like me.
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Are you kidding me? I don't know how to be gentle. Look, I'll tell you how this is gonna go down. You say you like me, I say I like you too, then we start dating and I'm horrible to you and you put up with it because you're a nice guy who won't want to hurt my feelings by breaking up with me even though you're miserable.
It's me. If I like you, I'm just gonna want to punch your stupid beautiful face and I like you too much to see you let me.
So we can't.
[She holds the doll tighter, enough that she imagines the stuffing will probably squirt out soon. Because she's a ruiner. She ruins everything good.]
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At least if they ran away because they thought he was a jerk, the sting of it faded pretty quickly over time. When he let people in and they left because of who he actually was? That never got easier, so he'd stopped letting it happen.
He frowns as he tries to apply that same logic to this situation, shaking his head.]
Why d'you think that's how things are gonna go? You've got a choice when it comes to how you treat people.
[And maybe it doesn't feel that way. It never does, when you're scared. It's so much easier to tell yourself that this is just the way things are, pretend you have no control over it.]
I mean, I know I ain't exactly a prize, but if you like someone, what makes you think you're gonna be bad to 'em?
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I don't get to have happy endings, Kanji. I accepted that a long time ago.
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[This is no longer just about whether or not she likes him, too. It's bigger than that, because what she's talking about? It applies to a hell of a lot more than just him.]
You don't gotta stand still. Yeah, if you keep tellin' yourself nothin' good is ever gonna happen, then maybe it won't. If you're that sure of it, of course it ain't gonna turn out differently, 'cause you're not gonna let it. But if you already know that's what you do, how you treat people?
[His frown pulls a little deeper, brow furrowed as he reaches out and puts one hand on her shoulder, tentative.]
Knowin' that is the first step to doing something about it. And you don't gotta do it alone. You should know that, bet Riley's told you the same thing. You got friends to help point you in the right direction when you need it. That's what Souji-senpai does for me. Keeps me from breakin' everything I touch.
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And what happens when I mess up and hurt you?
[There's no "if" about it, self-awareness or not.]
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